His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
