I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
