The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
