capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
