I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
