I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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