my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
