I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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