I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Randomize
