Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
