He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
