walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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