Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
