I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
