just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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