It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
