VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's never too late to be topless.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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