I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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