in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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