He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
