OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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