then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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