Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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