This is not my ceiling
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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