Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
