I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
