you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
