i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
