We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
