she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
