my phone needs a breathalizer
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
