i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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