I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
