dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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