mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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