Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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