some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
