There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
