i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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