just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
