I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
