____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
