I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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