I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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