TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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