His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
