Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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