Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
