I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
