hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
