All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
