dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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