youre lurking in front of me
she was so not down for the gang bang
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
