how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
