the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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