My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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