you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
