Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
