After last night, I could never be a politician.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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