ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
God, I missed his penis.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
