It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
