I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
