I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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