Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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