Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
