I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
