i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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