ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
