How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The Olympian is in my bed
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
