mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
