I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize