Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize