I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
